Just wow

What happened today was just... Heartbreaking? Epiphanic? I don't know, but what I do know is that I think about it now just right after having dinner and it kind of makes me sick to my guts. Should I be sad or thankful that such a mistake would confirm my suspicions? And for it to happen not only once but twice in the same short period of time was just too much. The funny part? How everyone came to the rescue for the mistake. Even the feeling of surprise was battling with the sadness and the anger, because in such situation you still have a minimal hope that your speculations are just that, speculations, but having such a moment of realization, so sudden, so raw, so hurtful, did actually surprise me quite a bit.

What do I have to think now? How are they going to look at me in the face? How am I going to look at their faces?

I tried to respond and confront what happened, but there came again the restrain to actually answer how I should and have the right to answer, only because of that little fear of letting behind something I thought, until recently, was a nice friendship. Something is already broken and knowing me and how I react to people who really really hurt me, it's something that is going to take a long time to heal. I'll still hang out (I actually agreed to a hang out tomorrow -funny how that was the start of this mess-), but will my heart be actually there? I don't even know why I agreed, I have so much stuff to do for college, and being totally honest, I really don't have any will to go. I guess I'll just stay for a few hours and that's it, I don't care if I have to come back home alone.

I tried to confront it in the chillest way possible, because that's how I am, but I'm getting tired of all of this, specially after today.

I didn't believe any of their words. And even if they were true, there's a crack in the trust already.

Just in case: Hello there, enjoying the reading? Yes, you, the one that is part of this group and story. Please, don't be shy and leave a comment, just confirm another of my suspicions already, I had that feeling for a long time now, it would be nice to finally have a confirmation for this too :)

 I feel like the pandemic and the quarantine just made everything worse.

Mood

I feel like I'm starting to run out of friends... 

When I thought it could go a little better...

 Yesterday we had a videocall after a long while. Everything was pretty ok overall but every single time there's a certain point in our conversations where I have no idea what they are talking about, so I have to play it off by just keep listening and say nothing. And they don't even notice that I am left out of the conversation because I have no clue, so they don't bother to explain me anything either. At first I asked what was going on, but I came to a point where I don't try anymore, why would I? They hardly even listen to me. And I think that is one of the things that saddens me the most, the fact that they talk to each other outside of our groupchat when I never (actually never) get a message from anyone. Why no one wants to talk to me?

I'm starting to prepare myself for understanding the fact that I don't fit in this group anymore, or never actually did.

PD: Cried while writing this.

Ok so I just tried making a cover of a song and maybe my voice is actually shit :)

Automatic tears

I still read fanfics, not gonna lie. I was actually reading one just now. There are some which I consider really good and make my heart flutter because, yes, I read romantic ones, of course. But I've noticed that every time something makes my heart race because I think it's cute, I feel a little urge to cry just right after, it's almost automatic. I don't know why that is, maybe because scenarios that are portrayed there never happened to me and subconsciously my brain already knows that it will never happen so it triggers the feeling inmediately.

WHAT?!

THEY DID IT AGAIN, OH MY FUCKING GOD. THEY EVEN SENT A PICTURE, WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I LITERALLY ALMOST STARTED CRYING THIS TIME, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?!

I LOOKED AT THE PICTURE, CLOSED THE FUCKING CHAT AND WENT OUT OF IT, DIDN'T EVEN BOTHERED TO OPEN THE NEXT MESSAGE.

BULLSHIT, THIS THING ACTUALLY MADE SAD. I'M NOT RESPONDING TO ANY OF THEIR MESSAGES AT LEAST FOR TWO WEEKS, WELL, IF THEY EVEN DARE TO TALK TO ME. I'M DONE.

THEY'VE BEEN DOING THIS SHIT SINCE I TOLD THEM I HAD NO MONEY TO GO TO THAT FUCKING PLAY.

AFTER LAST SATURDAY WHEN WE HAD A BIRTHDAY PARTY I THOUGHT EVERYTHING WAS SOLVED SINCE WE HAD A GREAT TIME BUT WHAT THE HELL!

I SERIOUSLY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE, I'M SAD AND ANGRY. I LITERALLY FEEL LEFT OUT.

NOW I CAN'T WAIT TO START COLLEGE AGAIN SO I CAN HAVE SOMETHING TO FOCUS ON INSTEAD OF ALL THIS SHIT.

FUCK.

Don't like where this is going

So it happened again. A few days ago, these two girls said they went to a play. Only the two of them. Never even told me, let alone ask me if I wanted to go. The funny thing? When they told everybody, they said we should all go together. The thing went on until last weekend, it was the birthday party of a friend and they started to get serious about going. I previously said the tickets were too expensive to me (I've been having serious monetary problems lately) and couldn't afford them. But the idea kept going. I didn't say anything that night, but later on one of them asked me if I wanted to go to which I said I couldn't because I had zero money and couldn't even buy notebooks for college (which is true actually), and she didn't even responded, not even the other one. It was in our group chat. I don't mean for them to buy me a ticket but ANY kind of word would have been fine, at least something to show me you're a little dissapointed because I couldn't go. I'm not saying they shouldn't go JUST because I'm not going but the way they handle things just makes me feel to displaced. One of the thing that I hate the most is that it seems one of them was/is so entitled to try and fit onto that group of friends that just does everything to get it. And I don't feel they try to make me fit either. There's another girl who didn't go but because she didn't want to (the play was not her thing) and just now I opened the group chat where we're all in and they were talking about the play, everything was fun until I read one of them just referred to the other girl, AND JUST HER, that they hoped she would come to the play next time. Umm, hello? I'm there too? Maybe they don't insist because they know I can't pay for the tickets but I don't know, say something like: "It's a shame you couldn't come" or SOMETHING. I feel so stupid. Maybe I'm just overreacting but it actually hurts me somehow. While writing this I thought about disconnecting from WhatsApp for a while or... I don't know, maybe that's just too dramatic but I genuinely don't know how to handle this. Am I jealous? Maybe. It's just that I felt this throughout my entire elementary, middleschool and a part of highschool life and it's not nice AT ALL. I thought those days were over and that they will never come back. I felt safe with my bestfriends but, I don't know if I can say that anymore. I hope is just temporary.

Cruel

Sometimes I just wanna kill myself as a punishment to the ones that hurt me.